Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The Maniac

I slowly think I am becoming, or am already a maniac. Sure people I meet in my day to day life might not notice anything, but on the inside I know there is a problem with me. Like there's something deeper about my personality than meets the eye. For starters, I question everything; religion, relationships, life, people (family), and along with family, I question if I was even suppose to be in this one.

Memories at I have from past experiences always trigger mood swings for me. For example, about a year ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of about a year because I was thinking about how I could see her when I didn't drive (still don't). I didn't want to keep asking my friend for a ride to see her all the time. And my family was hesitant to take me to see her saying it was "too far" although they went to that side of town just about daily. Ever since that day, I am not able to listen to certain music or watch certain movies or else memories of the mistakes I made reappear and kill my mood for the day.
Another example would be that things that I do, I often find myself regretting them, even though they were good because one person says something about it. An example of that would be of my house. When I mow the lawn and someone in my house says "you should've cut it this way instead", my brain immediate starts making get angry and wanting to argue and yell at the person for saying it.
Random days when things are bad, I actually had thoughts of self harm and questioning my existence. This resulted in a doctor's visit.
Even certain weather triggers the darkness in me making me a maniac. Cold, gloomy, rain/thunder are some of the conditions of when I change. And when I do change, trying to convince me that things will be alright do not work. This often turns people away and at a distance.
I don't know what's wrong with me or why my head or my persona changes so rapidly. Hopefully I will soon, that way I can do all in my power to prevent the actions that are possible from happening..before its too late.

"In my head holds so many words I want to say, but stay locked away. Only coming out when rage and darkness finds its way." - Kweku "Society's Outcast"


(I know this song isn't about what I am talking about, I just like the tempo.)