Monday, July 1, 2013

Introspection: The Transitional Life Crisis

About a year ago, I went through a huge quarter year long phase. A phase that had both good and bad intentions on myself and other people. It was a phase that included me going completely invisible to just about everyone. Invisible in a difference sense of the word however. By invisible, I mean to my friends, I went complete anti-social, to my family, I wasn't even acting like the person they knew all of my 18 years of living (I'm 19 now).

It was bad in a way because during that period, I lost many friends. Many people stopped contacting me because of my change in direction/attitude. I think it because I went from the person who was easy to have fun with to a person who was always upset, or angry. Frankly, me being in that phase, I didn't even realize anything was wrong with me (as most people going through the same thing wouldn't). I went from being the nice person to a person who often yelled at family. A person who was once caring to a person who just didn't care about anything or anyone. Things that I wouldn't normally do, I did. And things that I liked doing, I quit doing them or left. The biggest thing that occurred in my mind often was whether my life was worth living. I often would call the doctors office because I felt like I was ready to inflict harm on myself. One day, my mind even went to the extent of wanting to commit suicide. The reason for that alone could fill another blog post so I'll leave the explanation for that. Point is I wasn't myself. In fact, I was almost the exact opposite. Its like all the things occurring in my life at that point effected me so much that I became enraged and mentally unstable. Another thing I even just noticed was that during that period. I even stopped eating. I went from 150 down to 135 in a matter of a few months (roughly 2).

But now that the bad things have been listed, now for the good. Well good and interesting. For one, during that phase of no social networks, friends, and family. I had a punctual spree of ideas in my head. During that time, I researched and then channelled my negativity into something productive to push my mind away from the suicidal thoughts. The outcome was my YouTube channel NextGen Windows being born. I started it roughly November and to this day, I can pretty much say that it is my first child. Now, anytime my head is trying to move itself back into the state I mentioned previously, I just spend time making videos till I'm back to my regular self. Another thing I noticed during this period that has changed me is that my musical tastes changed completely. I went from listening to a lot of rap and r&b to alternative, reggae and rock mostly. Occasionally I still do listen to one or two songs of rap. But I actually don't listen to r&b at all anymore.

Overall, I did notice that to this day, I still don't know how this whole "transitional life crisis" started. But luckily I can say that I'm much better now. Not suicidal, and not as angry as I often was back then. Now, I have moved from my community college to a university. I am finally able to do the major I had originally planned to do. Previously, I was "testing the waters" of different majors.

So last thing I have to say to everyone is..

I'M BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!!