Monday, July 1, 2013

Introspection: The Transitional Life Crisis

About a year ago, I went through a huge quarter year long phase. A phase that had both good and bad intentions on myself and other people. It was a phase that included me going completely invisible to just about everyone. Invisible in a difference sense of the word however. By invisible, I mean to my friends, I went complete anti-social, to my family, I wasn't even acting like the person they knew all of my 18 years of living (I'm 19 now).

It was bad in a way because during that period, I lost many friends. Many people stopped contacting me because of my change in direction/attitude. I think it because I went from the person who was easy to have fun with to a person who was always upset, or angry. Frankly, me being in that phase, I didn't even realize anything was wrong with me (as most people going through the same thing wouldn't). I went from being the nice person to a person who often yelled at family. A person who was once caring to a person who just didn't care about anything or anyone. Things that I wouldn't normally do, I did. And things that I liked doing, I quit doing them or left. The biggest thing that occurred in my mind often was whether my life was worth living. I often would call the doctors office because I felt like I was ready to inflict harm on myself. One day, my mind even went to the extent of wanting to commit suicide. The reason for that alone could fill another blog post so I'll leave the explanation for that. Point is I wasn't myself. In fact, I was almost the exact opposite. Its like all the things occurring in my life at that point effected me so much that I became enraged and mentally unstable. Another thing I even just noticed was that during that period. I even stopped eating. I went from 150 down to 135 in a matter of a few months (roughly 2).

But now that the bad things have been listed, now for the good. Well good and interesting. For one, during that phase of no social networks, friends, and family. I had a punctual spree of ideas in my head. During that time, I researched and then channelled my negativity into something productive to push my mind away from the suicidal thoughts. The outcome was my YouTube channel NextGen Windows being born. I started it roughly November and to this day, I can pretty much say that it is my first child. Now, anytime my head is trying to move itself back into the state I mentioned previously, I just spend time making videos till I'm back to my regular self. Another thing I noticed during this period that has changed me is that my musical tastes changed completely. I went from listening to a lot of rap and r&b to alternative, reggae and rock mostly. Occasionally I still do listen to one or two songs of rap. But I actually don't listen to r&b at all anymore.

Overall, I did notice that to this day, I still don't know how this whole "transitional life crisis" started. But luckily I can say that I'm much better now. Not suicidal, and not as angry as I often was back then. Now, I have moved from my community college to a university. I am finally able to do the major I had originally planned to do. Previously, I was "testing the waters" of different majors.

So last thing I have to say to everyone is..

I'M BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Rebirth of a New Journey

I realize that its been quite some time since I posted anything so I figured I'd give an update. For starters. I have been pretty absent from the interwebs in general. So the question is, "What have I been up to all this time?" Well thats pretty simple, well I've been finishing up some Starcraft II: Heart of the Swarm. Awesome game if I might add.
I have also been revisiting an old game called Diablo III. I spent maybe around 20 hours last week leveling up my monk and barbarian. It was pretty fun while the excitement lasted. But most importantly I've been trying to get my life together. I recently applied to a university called Old Dominion University. Hopefully I get in because that would be a life-making moment. It would basically show that all these years of doing things and going nowhere, I will be able to hone my creative/artistic skills and channel it into something in the form of a career for my future. 

Another thing that I have been up to is designing websites. Although the people who they were originally for don't like them. I feel like I made something that if I continue to work on, it could mean I have a side job. Here's a few shots of my work:


Heads up though that these homepages of the sites were a work in progress. The final products would have had animated slide shows and flipping hover-over pictures.

But aside from all those. The other side thing that I have been doing is working on my YouTube channel. NextGenWindows.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The End of a Blogging Season

These past few months, this blog has been dedicated to the subject of personal growth. This subject has been a pretty interesting one. It allowed me to look into the subject deeply. Whether it was viewing other people's blogs on the subject to understand their point of view on how people can grow as better humans, or doing research on my own, I was able to learn quite a bit.

One of the sources I used very often were a series of videos from a motivational speaker by the name of Les Brown. I used him the majority of the time because his speeches were something that made the most sense to me. I would have to say, he really lived up to his title of motivational speaker because his speeches "motivated" me to write a few posts. The way he was able to hook me through what he was saying for those short 20 minute segments and allow me to comprehend his words was fascinating. I even ended up talking about him to my mom and she actually said that she had met him before at her old job. He had come to do a speaking session.

Another person that I quoted frequently was a man named Kevin Bracy. He, just like Les Brown is a motivational speaker. He too was able to captivate me by telling personal stories and relating it to his point of personal growth. Though, his main focus was goal setting. I liked how he is able to grab hold of his audience (metaphorically) through speaking about stories of his past experiences. Doing things that way is relateable because most of us have probably tried to better explain something by inserting past experiences. Most of the time, it does in fact work and get into peoples heads.

Overall, my experience with studying this subject has been a fun, and rewarding one. I definitely see myself writing about this is the future. Who knows? I may even try to become a speaker myself. I would highly recommend people to look into this subject. As I said before, it is fun, rewarding, and interesting.



Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dreams: Behind the Reasoning

Last week, I covered a dream that had been recurring for the past month. I dove into it and extracted the reasoning as to why the various things that occurred happened. This time, I am going to go into detail as to just why we have dreams, and how you can have dreams that will actually help you grow.

This image seems rather large. But click it and stare at it closely. I can almost guarantee aspects of it will be in your dreams in the future.
Chances are, if you are human you've had a dream that didn't make sense to you. You've wondered why the things that occurred in it happened. What if I could convince you that just about everything that  happened in your dream, happened for a reason and just about every "odd" sight or scene has some kind of symbolic meaning directly related to your life? According to Antti Revonsuo from a BBC documentary titled: Horizon - Why Do We Dream, "certain dreams occur to help us prepare for when a similar situation happens in real life" (Horizon). So people can think of the word simulation, as another term for dream. It's an interesting concept to think about because in nightmares, some of us don't survive. Some of us endure even that, if it ever happened in real life, would traumatize us. Some people go through a dream where they feel the pain of lets say, a stab from a sharp object. But when they wake up, they feel only a fraction of the pain in that spot.

Another thing that Revonsue believes is that if we didn't dream, we wouldn't be able to live to see another day. And it all goes back to the first thing I quoted about him in the previous paragraph on how certain dreams happen to prepare us for things in the future. Imagine in the future, you are being chased by a crew of gang members or dogs. You are slower than them but you still try to keep running till you get cornered. A lot of people would not know how to handle that because they would feel as if there is no point since they are obviously slower. But in the dream, they find some random item on the ground that helps them deal with the dogs, thus, allowing them to get away from the gang in pursuit. Now let's assume this person lives or is moving to a place that is known for bad gang violence. If that is to ever occur, that dream would literally happen been their saving grace. It saved the person from being robbed or utter death. The same concept can be applied to other types of dreams.

The thing I find so fascinating about dreams is that the scene occurring does not have to be exactly the situation that will occur in the future. It will most likely just be a similar scenario. And if people can learn all that they can from certain dreams, it can benefit them in the long run.


Works Cited
The Stuff of Nightmares - Horizon: Why Do We Dream? - BBCYouTube. YouTube, 04 Mar. 2011. Web. 17 Apr. 2013. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okPGEQq5ahQ>.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

When Anxiety & Depression Strikes

When people say life isn't easy and nobody's perfect, I find that to be true. Just because you observe that someone's life looks perfect, you never know what they could be truly hiding inside. I was watching a video from a guy named Chris Pirillo on YouTube. In it, his wife said some things about her going through and anxiety issue she had be going through for quite some time now but she had been hiding it and acting like nothing was wrong. Even her husband Chris didn't know until he watched the footage.

The way this relates to me is that I am currently going through the same thing. It's actually been about a year that this has been going on. You can partially tell by the series of posts where I talked about "The Non Believer","The Dreamer", and "The Maniac". All of those posts were created at peak periods when  I didn't even know what I was going to do next, and what to do with myself and my life.  For me, it got so bad that a girl I was seeing at the time split ways with me because I wasn't being myself and she didn't even know what was wrong because I never talk about it to anyone. It also got so bad that eventually, I myself had to call my doctor's office for an appointment because I felt suicidal. To be honest, it was even a reason why I left the girl I was dating when it started happening about 2-3 years ago. If I was never struck with this issue, I probably would still be with her. It's actually pretty hard to tell someone about it especially when you've done it before, and then been ignored and distanced from. In my previous post, I talked about a dream that has been recurring. Well, actually not recurring but more of a continuation. It's been about a month and a half, every other day. Sometimes I feel as if that dream is following the anxiety/depression period I've been going through.

But alas, again, I'm still going through this problem with myself. Sometimes it gets so bad, I can't even wake up in the morning and I stay in bed till about 1-2pm without eating or drinking. I even end up having dreams that relate to death, life, and my many insecurities. Some days when I have classes, I feel like I can't be there or I skip it all together.

Point being, if you are going through the same thing or a similar issue, know that you are definitely not alone. As you can see, there are atleast 2 other people going through the same thing. Me and Chris Pirillo's wife. So if you are going through this, feel free to leave a comment below talking about yourself and your story. This can be used as a community posting for people alike to discuss their troubles without feeling like they will be judged.

Just about all of this post is something nobody knows about me. Not my family. Not my friends,

When dreams become so realistic

The hand of Atlas in Final Fantasy XIII-2
Have you ever had a dream that seemed so realistic that you have you actually think as to whether it really happened? I personally have had many of those. One time recently. I had a dream about a giant hand in the sky. The hand somehow had a name. It was called Atlus. That hand had symbols etched all over it. Those symbols seemed to glow at about sunset everyday. In the dream, I was with my brother. We were at the bottom of my street trying to save little kids' basketballs from rolling down the hill and into the water. What was strange about it was that my street look almost identical to the real one. Only thing was that the bottom of the street had a shoreline like a beach. Very sandy and rocky. When I threw a ball back up the hill to a kid, I walked up the hill with them and then I noticed the hand in the background. It was daytime so it wasn't glowing. The moment I reached halfway up the hill It started to glow an orange hue around the circle on the back of the hand and what seemed like circles around the fingers. All of a sudden, it started moving slowing up further in the sky as if it was mobilizing. It even seemed to be causing what felt like magnitude 2 earthquakes. When I walked up the hill, I immediately yelled to the top of my lungs "Everybody get inside now!" Of course all of the kids didn't want to listen but once I pointed as to why, they began dropping everything and sprinting indoors. When I got indoors with my brother, it seemed as if the house was "safe zone". We stopped feeling the earthquakes but as we would look out the windows the hand was still moving closer to the house. Another strange thing about that was that as soon as we saw it moving, I woke up and a new day broke dawn.
Statue of the Greek Titan Atlas

As you may have noticed, I was somehow able to give a vast amount of detail for a dream I had 3 days ago. But that was because it felt so real until I woke up. When I woke up, my immediate thought was to do some research on the various things that happened in it. First, I looked up Atlus. My findings were astounding to me. Atlas (yes, it can be spelled different ways) is actually a Greek Titan. He had 3 brothers, one of which was named Prometheus. What's even more interesting about that is that I watched Prometheus the movie that very day earlier. So it's no wonder the name and sheer size was a match. But that wouldn't explain the hand shape. The hand actually derives from a boss in a game called Final Fantasy XIII-2. In it, the boss is named Atlas, and when you first encounter it, it seems like a dormant hand colossal in size. Until it mobilizes and starts to move.

It is true that dreams derive from past actions, sights, smells, and thoughts. So me having this dream was no random coincidence. It seems my brain/mind tried to connect my movie, with a game I had played a year earlier to form this titan-like figure. When I told my sister about it, she brought up a good point that I hadn't thought about. She said that the symbolism between me having these types of dreams could be related to how I feel like I have to constantly be protecting someone. So again, that would make sense because I had to protect those people by telling them to stay indoors so they wouldn't get hurt. But another question follows. What do dreams mean? Are they a sign for something? I delve deeper in the next post.


"Atlas (mythology)." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, 13 Apr. 2013. Web. 10 Apr. 2013.
"Atlas (Final Fantasy XIII-2)." Final Fantasy Wiki. N.p., n.d. Web. 10 Apr. 2013. <http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Atlas_(Final_Fantasy_XIII-2)>.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Be A Legend



In the song above titled The Believer, singer John Legend and rapper Common speak about how they plan to grow to be legends and kings in what they do (Sing and rap). They mean kings hypothetically of course. They speak in a double entendre. I said before they want to be kings but not Kings as in king of England they mean that they want to be looked up to by everyone else due to the powerful words that they speak. And thus, the moral of this post: Live to be a legend.

Many people tend to live their lives at a limit. For example many people take a job but do not try their hardest to be the best at it to the point where other people look up to them. And personally, I feel as if the reason why many people do not do this is because they are afraid of the conflicts they will attract throughout the process. Many people do not want to fight against the opposition. They would rather limit themselves so they don't have to face it at all. Another example being a personal one: “I have a YouTube channel and it's doing fairly well but once I get a lot higher in subscribers and views I’ll start receiving hate by people who do not agree with what I say, regardless of what my topic is. But when I get to the top, the people who did not agree with me will start looking up to me.” When that sort of thing I mentioned in the example happens, you know you're becoming a legend. But even at the top you will still have some opposition. But your only job is to ignore it, keep your position, and strive to be the best.

Relating back to the song, you have to believe that you're going to get there, otherwise there's no point in trying. Think about it, why have the dream of being the best in what you do only to find that you don't believe in yourself that you can do it? Why bother waste your time not believing in what you think is the best possible outcome in what you do?

For me, I want to be a legendary graphic design artist. I want to work all the way at the top. So high up, that instead of me working under people, people work under me. Sure my work may not be like that of a fellow blogger Khadijah, but I plan to get to the point where I am better even than that. To the point where people see my work in their magazines and I am being paid to do what I love doing. Her work isnt in a magazine as far as I know, but I plan to be the first.

The question of this post is what do you want to be a legend at?