Introspection - The Next Chapter

As I'm writing I am listening to Linkin Park's album One More Light. Today was the day of my father Ebenezer 'Joojo' 'Astro' Asafu-Adjaye's funeral service. 

For the majority of the day I have had no emotions shown and the answer to the usual question of "how are you feeling?" Is always answered by me in "I'm alright". But I know deep inside I am not okay. 

I am sitting in my back seat during the service with many emotions. Anger? Check. Sadness? Check. Anxiety? Also check. 

It has gotten so bad that I almost lost control inside the event space in front of my now widowed mother and a bunch of relatives. All over a simple family picture that they wanted but when I was finally ready for, they weren't. 

Now I know that I have my share of demons. Some way stronger and tempting than others. But as of now. Me being 25. And at the age of 22, losing my best friend and pretty much distant brother Dealo. I am pretty distraught. 

Life goes on. Yes. But even in my past I have had these strange feelings of depression and reckless, destructive and harmful behavior of myself. But today, although I sit here in silence now with my headphones dead and lying in my ears, there they are. Resurfaced. I really hope that I can control them like before going forward. Because like Machine Gun Kelly said in his song "Death in my Pocket, "I think I'm ready to die tonight, It's fucked up 'cause I ain't lived half my life. 

Let's see where this goes going forward. 

Love you Daddy. Wish you the best of luck in the skies above. 

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